The Transformation of a Big Girl

" I mean, look, Latori, you a real, real good friend, the best friend a nigga could ask for, but i don't see me and you together no more. And don't think i don't got love for you, but I mean, look, Tiara is more my type.I mean, man, look, okay, yea you held a nigga down, helped me when I needed you, but i'm saying, well, man thank you from the bottom of my heart, and hell yea, i appreciate it, but man, me and you is not cut out for each other. I mean, yea, you pretty and shit, but you is big....." when i heard Brandon say the last words"you is big" to me, i toned the rest of his words out. I knew he felt this way about me, and i kept hearing this small voice in my head say it, but i ignored it. As i stood and listened to Brandon tell me how unattractive my 255 pound body on a 5"8 inch frame was, I held my head down like i had done something wrong and was now ashamed of myself. I should be. I let Brandon, a nigga who i well knew was less than me treat and talk to me like this, because I'm fat. " You hear me, man?" "yes, Brandon, I hear you.....but why? how could you use me for this long and knew you felt like this? " my eyes watered, then the tears fell. " man, Latori, here you go with them tears, look ma, I gotta go, okay? you'll be okay, man, you'll find somebody else, but i'm not the man for you, bye!" Brandon walked away from me, standing there in my housecoat, slippers and hair tied up. I felt like a fat, damn fool, standing there crying like a big fat ass little girl over Brandon. He never measured up to me, but i lowered myself for him. And just like that, he left me, lead me on, and hurt me. I stood there for about 20 more minutes, i guess waiting for Brandon to change his mind and come back, but the reality is, He was attracted to Tiara, and not me. He made it plain and clear that he wanted her because she's small, and i'm big. she's short and I'm tall. Something about her made him leave my side, despite all that he'd done and all i'd helped him with. I closed my door, and opened the flood gates filled with tears. " I can't breath! oh god, i can't breath!" i sobbed. " how could he do this to me!" i fell to the floor and rocked back and forth on my knees. " Brandon, you son-of-a-bitch! I was there! I was there! I help yo no account broke ass when you needed rent money!!I took you to the doctor when your stupid drunk ass fell asleep at the wheel and busted your head! I helped you be able to move out of your mama's house!! you motherfucker!!!" i screamed at the tops of my lungs until i began to cough. Brandon had used me physically, sexually, emotionally, and financially for almost 2 years and just walked out of my life. I hate him, i fuckin hate his sorry short black ass!! No, it's my fault. Everyone told me that Brandon was not my equal, and too young acting for me, and nevertheless, I held on. Only to be pushed aside like dog shit in good grass for a tack head like Tiara. Why the fuck does he think she looks better on his arm? Cause she's tiny? cause she's light skinned? I don't know, but all I know is she's refurbished tack head St. Louis trash with 2 illigitament kids by one of his boys, now he thinks he's in love with her. He think that she better for him, what for? so that motherfucka's can say"damn, dawg, you got a bad ass gal!" It hurts. It fucking hurts so bad i feel like i could lay down right now and die. Brandon, how could you hurt me like this?
I cried myself into a massive headache thinking about how fat and ugly i must be, and how each and every man in my lief has treated me sort of similar to how Brandon has. Jerry, Michah, and Gregory did the same, left me for a smaller woman. As i continued to cry, I began to feel very bitter about how the men in my life, including my own father have treated me because of my body size. " Fuck these men! All i do for these niggas and this how i get treated?" I jumped up out of my bed and flew into my kitchen and opened the refridgerator. Nothing appealed my anger. I opened the freezer and snatched the half eaten box of chocolate chip cookie breyer's icecream and then to my pantry to grab my vanilla oreo's and dashed back into my bedroom to feast my sorrow over Brandon away. Less than 15 minutes later, I'd gone through both snacks and was in my nightstand drawer to fill up on the hershey's kisses and kitkats i'd stashed. While i was gorging down my feelings and undoubtly packing on pounds my phone ran. I swallowed, then said, "Hello?" " girl, what are you doing?" it was my best girlfriend Chase. " nothing, just over here eating some snacks, why?" " okay, Tori, you only sound so sad, and you only eat snacks when you depressed, so whats the deal. and don't lie either." i started not to tell Chase about how BRandon did me, but she'd find out and would be hurt if I held out on her. "Brandon left me." " really?..." "yea, it's over. He said he wants to be with Tiara, because she better for him, and some other shit, but yea, he's gone and it's over now." i waited for Chase to amen my sorrow and assure me that there would be another chance for Brandon and me, but instead she said, " GIRL GOOD FUCKIN RIDDANCE! HE WAS A FUCKIN LAME! girl, let Tiara's skank ass have him. they deserve each other, and believe me, honey, he gone realize that he done fucked up, and gonna wanna come back, but leave him alone......LATORIA, YOU HEAR ME?" i didn't respond because i was crying. Reguardless of what Brandon had just done to me, and how he was treating me, i loved his ass. " Chase it's not that easy to just walk away from true love and you know that. Look at you and Jamar." " girl, i feel you, okay? but c'mon Tori, let's be real.And you my girl, so i will never, ever tell you something that is a lie, or that could potentially hurt you, but damn girl, you and Brandon was never me and Jamar. Jamar actually admits to being with me, Brandon introduced you as nothing more than a chick he knew. Jamar never fronts for his friends, Brandon does, and baby girl , this list can go on and on about his negative ass, but you already know how he was." as i listened to Chase preach, I knew she was telling me the truth. " yea, well, Chase, things weren't always like that. Brandon always told me I meant the world to him, and how he appreciates me......she interuppted " Tori, do you hear yourself? you making excuses for his ignorant ass behavior. He tells you he "appreciates you"....girl, thats no more than bullship wiped on a dark napkin. he was never in love with you, and it's time you let him go! damn, it's been two damn years of me seeing Brandon's paycheck to paycheck livin ass mooch off of you, and i've dune had it! Tori, he's not the one!" i broke down in tears while Chase continued. Reguardless of what she said, I knew Brandon was the one for me, but right now, he's just off track. Chase and I contunued talking until i fell asleep on the phone.
That night I dreamt I was walking down a very long, very bright hallway filled with mirrors and beautiful, but very odd looking paintings by people i didn't recognize. This lady stopped me in the hall and asked me if I knew how to get to Lindell from where we were, I replied no, and kept waliking. "ma'am, ma'am, excuse me, can you tell me if i'm pretty?" this very chubby, but cute little girl, no more than 8 said. "sure, baby girl, you are so precious and cute i could eat you all up!" i smiled and kissed her head. She began to cry, then she said" no i ain't! all the boys said i'm fat and knock-kneed and black and ugly and all the girls laugh at me!" "oh, baby, no! don't cry! you are none of those things! you are beautiful and lovely and.....the little girl interupped" if you think so, then why can't you look in the mirror?" "what?" she replied louder, " I SAID, IF YOU THINK I'M PRETTY, WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK AT ME ? I'M IN THE MIRROR?" when i looked up, i saw who this girl was. Me. there i was, at 8, chubby, peanut butter complected, in a white and blue sailor's dress with my hair pinned back in a puff ball. i reached out to wipe the tears away from my young self's eyes, but i woke up. Confused by the dream, I dashed to the restroom and splashed cold water in my face. I stood in the mirror and looked at the way i looked. eyes puffy and swollen shut, my pretty smooth skin now blotchy and red, and my nose was swollen from crying over Brandon. " i don't like what i see." i went back to my bedroom and took out my book of poems and began to write: before loving you, brandon, i had a high self esteem, i loved myself, every extra inch of me, but then you came and made me self conscious about my size, told me that plus size aint cute, and i wouldn't look good on your arm to none of your guys, told me to exersize if i wanted you to continue to climb between my thighs, and all along, while i was believing your lies, it was the slice between her thighs that kept you satisfied. when you left, i cried, how could you do this to me? after all i'd been through with you, and you'd choose her, that trick bitch over me? said cause she little, and i weigh over 250 that you'd had enuff of dealing with me, well guess what, you broke ass, short ass son-of-a-bitch, tomorrow, i begin the transform of me..........
I slammed my book closed and went to sleep feeling a little relief, but still i hurt because i'd never been in love or hurt like this before. As i blinked my eyes back and forth, the tears began to roll, and i cried. I lay there and thought aloud" you first nigga, now me......i betcha i won't be this big forever." and i dosed off to sleep. the morning came too fast. I'm not ready to face the day. Damn, my alarm clock is buzzing. "guess i better get my fat butt up and get to moving it." i thought back to the conversation chase and i had before i heard the phone telling me if i'd like to make a call....blah,blah,blah. Chase didn't understand at all. What she failed to realize in the mist of her "you're so beautiful tori" speech was that Brandon was not the only person in my life to treat me like a pile of elephant shit. Lemme see, my dad always told me that i've got an ass like a washer machine on spin cycle, then there was my very fraile thin mother who was so embarrassed of me that whenever i'd come into the room, which was always full of her bougie ass nigga friends, she'd take the liberty of stating that i was always attending some diet program. After her lies, i'd always go and cut me the biggest piece of cake, pie, roast beef or anything i knew held high fat content and eat like a pig. One particular time, my mother's friend Carlise and her air headed, tyra banks wanna be daughter Gabrielle were over having tea and buscuits. (can you believe niggas carring on like this?) like we lived somewhere exclusive. We lived in BlackJack, aka the new north or south city of st. louis. Anyway, I came downstairs to get some juice or water, or whatever, and the first thing ma does is :
"Latoria, darling, would you join us in the conversation area please?" damn, here she goes again playing like she didn't graduate from Wellston High. I knew what she wanted, but this time i wanted to give my mother the benefit of doubt. " Yes Mother?" she looked me up and down in my cotton shorts and tee shirt, sighed then said" honey, you remember Ms. Johnson and Gabriella, don't you?" "yes mama. " "well, they came over to share the awesome news that Gabby will be modeling as of saturday evening. Isn't that wonderful?" "Yea, I guess. Congratualtions, Gabby." I didn't mean it. I absolutley hated Gabby, and anyone of her type. She was a size four, 5'3, carmel colored, and had about 25 pounds of sewn in blonde tracks to make her look more like a video ho than a normal teen ager. " you guess? " my mother replied as if i was supposed to be all inthralled by Gabby's success. " i mean, thats what she does, so i'm glad for her." Ms. Johnson took this as her entrance into the conversation that would soon be laced with insults at me. " You know, Tori, baby, if you want to model you can too..ain't that right Gabby, honey?" gabby shot her that "yea right look" then spoke up."yea, she could, uh, prolly model some um...i don't know, model for some food commercials?" my mother snickered. " Why would i want to do that?" my fist was balled up, and ready to steal gabby in her weave headed mouth for the insult." Tori, baby, what we are saying is that you would be beautiful too if you lost weight. I mean, you do weight just about 230 pounds now. I would feel so much better and you would too if you just fix this." "fix what mama? whats wrong with me?" i heald back the tears that were about to spout."well, what i think your mom is saying is if you make healthier food choices you could...." my mother interrupted " look as good as Gabby or some of the other skinny girls that you go to school with." again, gabby snickered, but then burst into laughter as my mother and ms. johnson continued ," "i mean, really, tori, you don't have any friends because you are fat, you will never have a man because no man wants a big girl........" as they continued to destroy my self esteem i stared at gabby and she stared back. I wanted to kill her just because she was so small and so beautiful. Her waist was a perfect 23 inches. Her skin the color of carmel candy chews with no acne,her stomach flat as a wash board, toned arms,hips were a proportionate 38 inches. she had small, 34 b cup breasts, she wore a size 5 shoe, her back was smooth and gorgeous without any stretch marks, or rolls. And there i stood. 230 pounds, tall as an average man at 5'8, skin the color of a new penny, pixe braided hair, stomach bulging and looking like a pumpkin, saggy 44DD breats, arms that hung like bat wings 56 inch hips, 45 inch waist, and size 10 feet. And, for the first time, today, I became self conscious. my mother and Ms. Johnson continued to point out all my flabby flaws and Gabby sat there in perfection. " mama how do you know i'm not comfortable in the way I look?" I said with tears in my voice. " Comfortable? wearing a size 22? comfortable wearing moo-moos for clothing instead of something hot and fresh like gabby wears?" mama waved her hand in front of gabby, and almost on que, Gabby stood her funky trick ass up and turned around and modeled for my fat, oil drum body. " you comfortable, huh?" "yea, mama, I am!" I was tired of my mama, so while she continued to go on and on pointing out just how disgusting i looked, I grabbed a piece of potato pie and shoveled it into my mouth like a handful of peanuts, and sliced another piece, just to piss her off. " PUT THAT GARBAGE DOWN!!" my mama yelled and pointed at me. She kills me trying to sound so white and shocked.I laughed at her while my mouth was full of the gooey, orange mixure. I felt fragments of it running down my chin and hit my pink shirt. Gabby looked at me in disgust and said "THAT'S WHY SHE BIG AS HELL NOW!" why did she do that? before i knew it i spit all of the contents from my mouth into Gabby's hair, face, and onto her clothing. " BITCH, NAH!! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR OPENING YOUR DAMN MOUTH!!" my mother was mortified. " LATORIA HOW COULD YOU! YOU'VE RUINED HER CLOTHING! I AM VERY EMBARRASSED BY YOUR BEHAVIOR! LEAVE US AT ONCE!!" she pointed towards the upper floors of our home. as i turned, i sliced me another piece of pie and ate it with satisfaction. Gabby, on the other hand was crying uncontrollably, and saying " OH MY GOD, SHE SPIT POTATO PIE ON ME!" i laughed, but overheard my mother say the most hurtful thing "IT'S OKAY GABBY, SHE'S JUST MAD BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SHE ISN'T. WHY COULDN'T YOU BE MY DAUGHTER, YOU ARE SO PERFECT?" "what? and me have that elephant of a mess you birthed and claimed as your daughter as mine, i don't think so!" ms. johnson stood up and grabbed Gabby's hand. " c'mon honey, we're leaving!" as they left, ms. johnson stared at me and rolled her eyes and mouthed "FAT BITCH" while gabby was still sobbing uncontrollably. when they lefft. my mother turned to me and said " YOU ARE SO FAT AND DISGUSTING! I HATE THE DAY I GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR FAT ASS!!" and stormed off to her bedroom. While i stood there, i lost all dignity, lost all hope, and self esteem. my mother hates me cause i'm fat.... I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection staring back at me as big as a small duplex. From that day forward, I hated myself and my size.
My thoughts were interupted by the ringing of my cell phone. It was Mama. I'm not gonna answer it, hell, i've had enough drama for 24 hours. I got up and went to the bathroom to prepare myself for the day. " Goodmorning heartache....." I slipped out of the gown i'd put on last night, and stood in the mirror naked. My eyes ran over my 255lb frame and sighed. " God, why did you curse my body like this?" I grabbed both of my sides which were covered in fatty flesh. " Bullshit!" I turned to the side and saw my pot belly hanging slightly over my vagina. " No wonder Brandon left me, look at this bullshit!!" I hit the wall and cracked off one of my acrylic nails. "SHIT!!" While Latoria stood in the mirror and berated herself her cell phone continued to ring. " Who the fuck keeps on calling me, damn!!" Latoria flew out of the restroom naked, flesh flopping, and grabbed her cellphone and sent it crashing against the wall of her bedroom. " FUCK!!" Latoria fell to the floor crying. "God, why can't i just loose weight?" As she lay there loathing her body, her home phone rang and her mothers voice filled the room. " LaToria, dear this is your mother. I know you are there because i called your desk and your temp answered and said that you weren't there. I also called your cellphone and it wentto voicemail. I know you don't have a man there with you, so you couldn't be doing anything except eating. (her mother sighed in disgust) LaToria, pull yourself away from breakfast and answer this phone this instant! LaToria got off the floor and walked slowly towards the phone. "I shouldn't answr this fucking phone. I really dont feel like her bullshit today!" "Yes mama! im home! what in God's good name do you want?" "Well,Well, somebody's blaspheming early!" "Mama, i dod no such a thing. now what do you want?" "Oh, so you don't have time to talk to me?" "Nope. I got things to do." "Like what? I know you not talking bout tending to that creatureyou calling your boyfriend?" " Mama, he's not a creature, and he's not my boyfriend." "Oh? what made you finally wake the hell up?" LaToria had had enough of her mother within the first 5 minutes of the conversation. "Look mama, as much as i'd love to stay here and go back and forth with you, i gotta go. " "Alright, I'll come by the office and we can have a healthy lunch and you can talk then." "Mama, im not going to work today. I don't feel good.""Well, you'dfeel better if you'd just loose some of that weight, darling. what do you weigh these days, about 300 pounds?" "Goodbye mama!" LaToria hung up on her mother to defend herself against being further insulted about her weight. Just as she had rounded the corner to get ehrself together for whatever she was about to do that day, her mother's voice filled her living room via her home telephone again. "LaToria, I know you don't like to speak about your weight, but darling, I cannot fathom that you are enjoying being so rotund. Chase told me about the way that...boy...did you and how he dumped you just because you are fat. Now dear heart, i love you and you gotta listen to mama. Go and get you either some Lacy LeBoe super dieters tea, or some laxatives and take them to jumpstart your first ten pound lost. better yet, go and get you a big box of eposomes salt and mix you up two glasses a day along with some lemon juice, so that your blood pressure wond elevate beyond normal ranges. if you do this, i can guarentee you'll loose 20 lbs in a month. then you can start exersizing and...."MAMA1 DIDN'T I JUST SAY GOODBYE!" LaToria unplugged her phone from the wall so that her mother won't be able to call back and leave another insulting message. " Damn, first my mama, now my man. I just can't win!" After a shower, and a very unhealthy breakfast of 6 pork link sausage, 3 eggs, 8 slices of turkey bacon, 4 pancakes with real maple syrup, whipped cream, and strawberry filling, and a diet pepsi, LaToria bathed and got herself dressed for a very late day at the office. She was the owner and CEO of "HER WAY" promotional company, so she didn't need to clock in and or out. Despite her obesity, her company was doing extremly well, throwing very successful parties for celebrities when they came to St. Louis, hosting fashion shows, and concert after parties. LaToria, though, never went to any of the functions anymore, because one night a equally popular photographer nick named "Geico" took several pictures of her and her promo crew, (whose signature color was apple green and white) and listed them on his wep page. The photos recieved rave reviews and alot of comments, until he posted one single picture of LaToria from behind, displaying her broad, biscut-like rolls on her back, her wide waist line, narrow hips and flat behind, and said in the caption "WHOA BIG GURL, THE BUFFET IS ACROSS THE STREET!" and on another on when she was at the bar turned to the side, displaying her large breast and equally large stomach: "NAW BIG GURL, THEY AINT GOT NO SNACKS SO STOP ASKING!" and one final one was a group picture of she and the other 8 promo team members. LaToria and Chase always stood next to each other and embraced, as their signature pose, as a sighn of love, respect, and accomplishment. Geico took this as open opporitunity to talk even worse about LaToria in this final caption : " DAMN, BIG GURL MUSTA THOUGHT LIL SEXY RED BONE WAS A PIECE OF CHICKEN AND SHE FINNA START SNACKING AWAY! I DON'T BLAME BIG GURL THOUGH, RED BONE IS A SLIM GODDY!"~ NUT WHY BIG GURLS ALWAYS GOTTA BE SO ENORMOUS UP OVER ALL TEH REST OF THE GIRLS IN THE PICS? FRIENDS, DONT LET YOUR FRIENDS BE THIS BIG AND BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH YOU!" after an anonymous emailer forwarded this to LaToria, she refused to set foot on the club scene again, so she hired extra help so that she could ensure her business would still be #1.